Friday, February 1, 2008

Tantrums and Discipline

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On Becoming Toddlerwise has some great advice for avoiding tantrums. If you have a toddler and don't have that book, I would encourage you get it and read through it. Take notes for yourself so you can easily reference points of interest. On Becoming Preschoolwise also has many helpful tips aimed toward 3 years and up. Following that, there is On Becoming Childwise, and more. Choose the book appropriate for the age of your child.

Toddlers are going to have tantrums, but the way you handle them can significantly affect the frequency and duration of the tantrums. Let's remember some things first:

  • Boundaries are not a bad thing for your child. They allow your child freedom. There are a lot of natural consequences in life, and a lot of imposed consequences by society. If you teach your child that there are boundaries and consequences for crossing those boundaries, life will be a lot simpler. It gives your child the freedom to choose correct choices.
  • Freedom does not mean you get to do what you want when you want and be free from consequences. To dramatically illustrate this point, I may have the freedom to run up credit card debt, but I am responsible for paying that debt back, and at a much higher price. I also have the freedom to do drugs, but I am then in bondage to the addiction that follows. It is your responsibility as the parent of your child to teach your child about choices, actions, and consequences. So don't feel guilty about preventing certain activities.
  • There is no such thing as "all of a sudden" behavior, as discussed in Toddlerwise. Your toddler does not suddenly start doing things that are incredible offensive to you. Your toddler works his way up with minor offenses, then the big one hits. The big one can be traced back following the trail of small ones. Maybe the big one is something that puts your child in danger, like standing in a highchair or running into the road. Maybe it is one that is offensive to your moral sensibilities, like he is "suddenly" hitting other children. Get past these symptoms and identify the root of the misbehavior.
Strategies for Avoiding Tantrums
  • You child does what works. If the tantrums are working, he will continue them. Honestly analyze yourself. Don't let the child control you.
  • Children do what they learn. Dr. Phil had a show with children who threw tantrums often. Many of the parents of these children actually threw tantrums themselves when they were mad. The tantrums weren't exactly like the child's, but they were screaming, stomping, slamming doors, etc. The children learned from their parents. Make sure he has good examples in the home of how to behave properly.
  • Many tantrums happen because the child can't express emotions accurately. They don't feel understood. Teach them to label emotions. One idea is to show a chart of faces and explain what each emotion is. Something my son and I do is play a game where I say what emotion I am going to express (for example I say, "I am going to look, happy"), then I show it on my face. We have played this game since he was about two years old, and he is very good at expressing how he feels. You can also teach sign language to a child who isn't verbally expressing things.
  • Don't distract or suppress, substitute until the novelty of the action wears off. If you simply tell your toddler he isn't able to do something, you are setting the stage for a fight. If you tell him he isn't allowed to spit at the dinner table, but he is allowed to spit in the tub (IN the tub, not just while in the tub), you are giving him options that are acceptable to you. This is a real-life example. Brayden recently started thinking it fun to take a drink and then spit it out kind of in a raspberry style. I told him he was not allowed to spit at the dinner table, but he was free to do so in the tub. To this day, the idea has never struck him in the tub, but anytime he wants to do it at the table, he reminds me he isn't allowed to do that there but can in the tub. Toddlers are curious. They want to learn how things work. Give them opportunities to explore things that are okay to explore. Teach him there are boundaries where certain things are acceptable and the same action is unacceptable.
  • Toddlerwise points out that active learning is best. Do not allow absorption (watching TV). Go for activities that stimulate the senses. This doesn't mean absolutely no TV (unless you want it to). It means to limit the time in front of the TV. This is not too difficult for most toddlers because they seem to love to go outside and prefer interaction with people to sitting in front of the TV. It gets harder for our house in the winter months because our outside activity is limited. I have found that if Brayden has more than 1 hour total per day of TV, he is less obedient. Limit TV time, and be sure time spent in front of the TV is as beneficial as possible. Control what your child sees.
  • 10-12 hours of sleep at night.
  • Nap. I have heard many parents say their child refused to nap past age 1. My son (now 2.5) refused to nap starting at 2 weeks old. It wasn't his choice to make. I knew he needed naps. So I was sure he took them. "A toddler's ability to nap depends to a large extend on the habits the child has developed in his or her first year" (Toddlerwise p.147). For anyone with a young baby, take that to heart. Get your child accustomed to the fact that naps are a part of life and not an option. Brayden has never wanted to take a nap. Every now and then he informs me that he is done taking naps, and I inform him that he is not. He still needs a nap to be a happy boy throughout the day. I know there are some children out there who like naps and ask for them. Between 16-20 months, your baby will be ready for one nap a day. Usually around 4 years is when that nap is no longer needed every day. Preschoolwise says to look at it as a weaning process rather than a dropping.
  • Rest time. Once your child is ready to not have a nap every day, still have rest time. Rest time is discussed on page 100 of Preschoolwise. Rest time is when your child lays in bed and looks at books. Some days, he will fall asleep. Other days, he will stay awake and look at books. Give your child this time to take a break and get some rest.
  • Have a scheduled day. Children thrive on routine. When Brayden wants to do something that can't come until much later, I tell him it will happen after X point in the day. He will then list off to me everything that happens between now and X. He knows what is life is like. He knows what to expect. It gives him a way of measuring time. He knows when naptime is next and will often tell me it isn't time for his nap, and I assure him it is. He smiles and moves on. He gave it a try :-). This doesn't mean we don't have some days where we do something different or go somewhere for fun, but the majority of our days are spent the same way.
  • Along the same lines, consistency, consistency, consistency. Keep the days as much the same as possible. Also, keep your reactions consistent. Don't let him get away with something one day, not allow it another, and then be shocked when he does it again. Decide on your rules.
  • Expect answers or a response when you ask or direct. Keep your expectations within reason. Toddlerwise says a two year old will comply 60% of the time. A three year old, 70%. A five year old, 85-90%. That gives you an idea of what you can expect from your baby. This doesn't mean that if you have a two year old you accept him ignoring you 40% of the time. You don't say, "Oh, this is in that threshold, I'll move on and try again." It just means your child is normal and for his age. You still work on it (these statistics found on page 94 of Toddlerwise).
  • Give instructions, not suggestions. I once worked at a daycare. In my training, they told me to never give instructions ending in "okay." "Danny, don't hit, okay?" Danny doesn't get to choose whether or not to hit--not hitting is the rule.
  • Instead of using "okay" as some sign of agreeance to your instructions, require a "yes Mamma" after you give instructions. This gives the child accountability. When Brayden is really mad, it just really is hard for him to say "Yes, Mamma." He will sit and stew over it with a scowl on his face. I insist on it. Finally he says it, and he follows through.
  • Require eye-contact when giving instructions. Eye contact is natural non-verbal communication to show you are listening, and this is a suggestion across the board for fixing tantrums.
  • Focus on redirecting and restricting, not punishment.
  • If your child wants to play with or do something no allowed, say, "you can't go outside right now, but you may draw or play with this toy or do a puzzle." Giving a child other fun options can help direct energy away from the tantrum.
  • When you cactch you child doing something he shouldn't be, ask him what he should be doing.
  • When it is time for Brayden to do something he doesn't want to and he resists, I give him choices to get him there. For example, when it is naptime and he doesn't want to go, I say, "Would you like to walk to your room, or would you like me to carry you." Either choice, he gets to his room, but it gives him some options. If he doesn't choose, I choose for him.
Dealing with the Tantrum
Tantrums do happen. So here are some ideas of what to do when then do. Your goal is to minimize future outbreaks :).
  • Make sure you understand how they are feeling. First you have to find out, then you repeat what they are feeling, what they need, what they want, etc. You may have to repeat it over and over so they know you get it. It doesn't mean they get what they want, but at least they know oyou know. "You want candy, you want candy, I can see that you are upset because you want candy. You don't get to have candy right now, but I understand that you want it."
  • Redirect: move to a different activity. (Toddlerwise p. 102)
  • Isolate: this would be a time out. Child stays there until he is ready to be calm and happy. (Toddlerwise p. 102)
  • Natural Consequences: let them happen. Parents in my generation seem to want to save their children from the natural consequences of life. Toddlerwise uses the example of teasing a dog with the ice cream cone and the dog takes it. Don't rescue your child from this lesson by providing more ice cream. Natural consequences will always happen in life because they are natural. If you teach child they don't apply now, they will have a much harder time years down the road accepting the natural consequences of life. As the book Parenting with Love and Logic points out, it is better to teach natural consequences while your child is young and the stakes are low. No more ice cream is not as big of a deal as a ticket for drunk driving, or worse. Toddlerwise says natural consequences will be use more in ages 2 and up. (Toddlerwise p. 102)
  • Loss of privilege: the child looses a privilege. I would imagine this to be dynamic. What was devastating to your two year old might not phase your three year old. Dr. Phil always says to find the child's currency. That currency will change with time, but there is always something. (Toddlerwise p. 102)
  • Use logic if it works on your child. My mom always says I was easy to discipline because she could explain the reasons to me for what was happening, and I understood that and accepted it. My sister was not that way. She didn't care that a car could hit her if she played in the street, she wanted to play in the street!
  • Be sure child is not hungry or tired. It is always unfair to expect a tired and hungry toddler to behave as a well-rested, fed one.
  • Don't offer too many choices. Preschoolwise talks about the addiction to choices and the problems it brings up. Yes, you need to allow choices to teach the child how to make them, but if your child is throwing a fit every time a choice is not offered, or refuses the options you offer, you are likely allowing too many choices. I have seen this happen with Brayden. Every so often he will get upset over a shirt I have picked for him to wear. I then know I have been allowing too many choices and cut back. Then the shirt isn't such a big deal. It is truly amazing.
  • Never threaten something you aren't willing to follow through on. Don't tell your child you are going to have to stay home if he doesn't put his coat on if staying home is something you are unwilling or unable to do. He will learn quickly about bluffs.
  • There are other options available to you. Do what works for your child.
Rules for Isolation (time out)
If you choose to use time outs, here are some rules to follow:
  • Be calm yourself before you start the time-out.
  • Use non-verbal cues. Hands out to mean come to me, palm straight forward to indicate you need to stay there.
  • Identify the needs of your child.
  • Preschoolwise says not to base the time out on a time limit but rather on mom's (or dad's) perception of how long each time out needs to be. (Preschoolwise p. 167)
I personally use time out only when it is a big offense. I can count on one hand the number of times time out has been used, and those have usually been when he needs to calm down. Otherwise, there are loss of privileges. I let the punishment fall in line with what the offense was.
As you can see, there is a lot of information available through just two of the books I mentioned. Here I give some ideas from the books and idea of my own, but I have only scratched the surface. It would be wise to read the books and soak it all in. Good luck in working with your child through these!
Reader Questions:
  • Krystal said...
    Thanks for the post about dicipline. I will try out taking away privilages. I have tried this before, but when it comes to keeping the punishment fall in line w/ the offense I am at a loss. Sometimes it is easy to do, but others...ex. If he won't put on his shoes? Or if he kicks or hits someone?
    February 1, 2008 4:43 PM
    Plowmanators said...
    Krystal, For punishment falling in line, some of the consequences will be natural, and some will be what mom and dad decide fitting. Be sure you don't propose a consequence you aren't willing to see through.If my son were to refuse to wear shoes, my reaction would either be 1-he doesn't get to leave the house. 2-he has to be carried everywhere. My son hates to be carried, so I use that a lot.For hitting, there is isolation. He is removed from the situation. If he can't be nice upon returning, I would leave the situation completely. If he can't play nice, he doesn't get to play at all.
    February 1, 2008 8:43 PM


Firecracker said...

Hi there!
So my son is now 7 months old and the last 2 weeks he has gotten a huge attitude. He whines all the time. He whines if either of us leave the room, he whines if he is doing tummy time and wants to be picked up. And it's not just happening a few times a day. It happens several times an hour. He has plenty of toys that we interchange. We instill independent playtime. So I don't know what the issue is. Whenever he tends to this this whine thing, I tell him "Thats enough, no more" But he continues and he'll even grin while he fake cries. So I guess my question is how am I supposed to react and how do I get it to end. I keep thinking ahead to how it'll be when he is 2 if he keeps this up and I want to pull my hair out. BTW I called my pediatrician for advise and he said it was a phase, which I do not agree with. Also my son is not crawling. So mobility and freedom is not the issue. Thank you so much for your help.
p.s. I also posted this same question/post under babywise II

Airielle said...

I have a 16 month old who has started throwing fits whenever she doesn't get her way.For instance, She'll want to go watching tv, but she only gets 30 mins at 2:30, so I say, " sorry sweetie its not tv time yet, lets play with your toys" and with that she screams and throws her head back for the next 10 mins. My husband and I are at a loss to how to discipline her appropriately. Whenever she throws a fit we never give in and place her in a safe place to scream. Because due to her age she doesn't understand logic or taking something away. But, time outs don't seem to be helping. Now she has started throwing fits while shopping where putting her in a safe place to freak out is not an option and even at home it seems like she has about 5 to 10 outbreaks in a given day. Is it appropriate to use her little tushy as a disciplining tool in this situation?
-Airielle Moberly

Plowmanators said...

Danielle, Did I answer this question? It seems kind of familiar...let me know if you still need help :)

Plowmanators said...


I would consider that maybe she has too many freedoms and/or choices. See this post:

The Choice Addiction (for Toddlers) :


BW II: Freedoms:

Also, if time-outs aren't helping, then I would try to find something that does.

I personally don't spank my kids. The Growing Kids series (the religious version of Babywise) has a section on spanking correctly. It involves privacy and prayer and talking it over with your child. 16 months is probably too young for that, but you would have to read the book to get the information about suggested ages.

Stephanie said...

I have a similar question to the one just asked, but my daughter is only 10 months. She has been arching her back and throwing her head back for a couple months now, but before, it wasn't that often, mostly just when putting her in her carseat. Now, though, she does it anytime I take something from her or take her away from something. Today, I had to leave the mall because she did it when I put her in her stroller and she was screaming so loudly, people were starting to stare, so I just left. What is the appropriate way to deal with this seeing as to which she is only 10 months and doesn't understand much??

Plowmanators said...

See this post:

The "Mini-fit" :

Also, it would probably be a good time to teach her some sign language. See:

Sign Language :

acasiadetawator said...

My son is 21 months and talks quite well for his age. He recently figured out how to escape from his crip so we transitioned to a big boy bed. The switch went great, I assumed it would be a nightmare but he rarely gets out of bed. However, the problem lies in the morning, he normally wakes up at 7, and stays in his crib until 730, playing, singing etc. But when we made the switch he is getting out of bed at around 630, this is not cool. I have tried taking out some toys for him (he has easily accessible toys in his room) and putting up the gate in his doorway and telling him he needs to play for a bit (I am expecting until at least 7am) until he can get up. This is when he looses his mind and shakes the gate, throws toys and throws himself at it and lets out a cry like he is possessed. I have tried explaining to him what needs to happen, tried taking him into bed with me and even smacking his hand (when he chucks his toys at my face). But everytime the situation escalates until we both get sooo frustrated and it drags on for like 30-45 min.... I am trying not to give him attention for this unacceptable behaviour but it is so loud it drives me crazy, I am asking to things:

How do I get him him to play nicely in his room until it is time to get up, is this a reasonable expectation?

What would be an effective way to nip these psychotic tantrums in the bud before we both lose our cool. They seem to be happening more frequently.

Plowmanators said...

I have a post called "toddler/child getting out of bed" that should give you some guidance.

There are a couple of things here. One is I might consider going back to the crib if you can and doing a crib tent or something. If he can't obey, then that might be a good option until he will.

My kids all moved over around that age, but it was because we had a new baby coming each time and I didn't want to buy two cribs.

With Brayden, we had no issues.

Kaitlyn got up her first night at 3:00 AM and get our her leggos to play (she was obsessed at the time).

We just went in and told her to get into bed and she did.

So it sounds like he might need some work in obeying your voice. See the Discipline blog index for more ideas on how to acheive this.

Jamie Ericksen said...


I am a Babywise Mom and refer to your blog frequently as I feel it is the ONLY online resource for Babywise Questions unanswered by the book ... Isn't there a Babywise hotline yet?! Haha Anyway, my daughter is 16 months old. She knows over 30 signs (we are lucky as I have a deaf sister so it was a no-brainer teaching her to sign). I feel this has cut down on SO MANY tantrums. She expresses herself very well. The one question I am having is when she feels upset and throws her head back. When she throws tantrums, we don't pay attention to them. But in the moment - say I am grabbing her hand to walk her to a mess etc. She'll throw herself back to the point where I need to lift her so she won't hit her head on the floor. I am wondering how to break this habit? I can't just let her fall and hit her head - but I don't want to enable her by constantly saving her and "allowing" her to repeat this behavior. Any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance and THANK YOU for your blog!

Valerie Plowman said...

If it were me, I would probably pick her up and take her where she needs to go. I would say, "let's go clean the mess." Then take her there. Then day "good girl to come help clean the mess! Thank you!" She will then learn how fun it is to have your praise and start to obey.

Valerie Plowman said...

Ha on the hotline!


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