Thursday, July 3, 2008

Discipline: Progress is a Spiral

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As you walk up a spiral stair case, you might at times feel like you are moving further from your goal than closer to it. Discipline can be much the same way. Children are constantly testing their boundaries. One of my best friends also follows Babywise and has a son 9 months younger than Brayden. We were very interested to see that our boys would be little angels, then start really testing boundaries and pushing the limits.

It is normal to have days (or stretches of days) where things just seem to have fallen apart. It happens over and over again, with everything from sleeping to discipline. You just have to be consistent and plug through and then they go back to their normal, happy selves.

There are a few reasons for this behavior.
  • You are allowing too many freedoms or too many choices (see BW II: Freedoms: and The Choice Addiction (for Toddlers) : As I have said many times, misbehavior in your children is often really your fault. You are at the root of the problem. Once you change yourself, your child will follow suit. I think it happens because our child is being so good that we start to either relax our rules or offer more freedoms than our child is ready for. So first evaluate yourself.

  • Disobedience is often in conjunction with your child learning a new skill. Some skills bring with them a whole new world of options. Take crawling or walking. Your child has new mobility and can reach new heights. There are things neither of you have had to address yet because they have been non-issues. So you need to address them. Other skills can bring a degree of danger. Take climbing stairs. Boundaries need to be set for when your child may and may not climb the stairs. Your child wants to work on these new skills. You just need to take some time and effort setting the new boundaries.

  • It is just the way it is. People push the limit. For example, let's examine the behavior of an adult driving. You want to get from A to Z as fast as possible. You start out driving the posted speed limit. After some time, you start going 5 mph over. Then you start to go 7. Then you push it up to 10. Then you just don't even really have a regard for the posted speed limit. Then you get pulled over and pay a hefty fine. So you go back down to the posted speed limit. Many adults will find themselves soon pushing that limit again. It is in our nature to push limits. That doesn't mean it is what we should do or that we should accept the behavior from our kids, but it is what it is. It doesn't mean your child is as terrible person or that you are an incompetent parent, it just means that is going to happen sometimes.
As those limits get pushed, it feels like our child is regressing in their discipline. In reality, it goes back to progress being a spiral (see Progress is a Spiral). It seems like you are moving away from your goal, but you are still moving up and toward it. Your child pushes the limits. You evaluate your behavior and the behavior of your child. You correct and get everyone back on the right track. Learning has happened on the part of all parties and you are a little closer to your child being able to govern herself. So when your previously perfect angel child starts throwing fits or telling you no, remain calm and press forward. You will get past it and all will be stronger for it.


Sarah said...

Hi again! I have a 14 month old boy, who is usually a great napper. We have been traveling lately, and he slept/napped GREAT on the road. Since we've been home, he's done some crying at the beginning of naptime, but that has tapered off. Now we are dealing with something we haven't seen since about 4 months. He is waking up after only about 45 min to an hour and crying. He usually wakes up extremely happy. Any ideas why this might be happening???
Thanks! ~Sarah

Jaclyn said...

Hello! I'm dealing with something similar with my 9 month old daughter. We recently returned from a two week vacation where we traveled a lot and had many adjustments. We're back home now, and she is doing a lot of crying when we put her down for naps. Not usually at bedtime, just naptime. And she's also only sleeping between 45 minutes to an hour. Not enough. She is exhausted by the end of the day. Any advice on helping her get back to a happy napper?

Jaclyn said...

Me again, I also wanted to add that she seems to have adopted an attitude that came out of nowhere. She fusses a lot during feeding time, and when I'm changing her or washing her face. I really appreciate your blog. As a first time mom I have so many questions. Many of which your blog has been helpful in answering. I guess I'm just unsure how to deal with this new development in her behavior. I also am unsure how much she understands and how much I should expect her to know and learn at this point. Thank you for your help and wisdom. God bless, Jaci

Plowmanators said...


My guess is that is overly tired. He might need more sleep while he rests up from his vacation, just like most of us! It can often take a couple of weeks for things to get back to normal. Just be consistent and he will get back to where he was. Also, be sure he is eating all that he needs to in the day.

Plowmanators said...


Same advice to you. Try shorter waketimes. I just got back from a trip. I felt fine until I got home, then crashed with a 3 hour nap. I am not a napper. Just traveling can take it out of you.

Plowmanators said...


It is normal to have this attitude. She can understand A LOT more than you think. See this post:

Teaching Your Baby "No":

C-lee said...

I am struggling to understand "to much freedoms". Firstly my lo is turning 9 months. She is really acting up these days, not wanting to eat properly , sleep properly. She is teething. And she is still standing in her crib for naps after 2 months. So I read this blog and you mention that they might have too much freedoms.

I put her down in the living room, and she starts crawling all over and playing with toys on the floor, standing up against the wall, table etc. I remove her from places I don't want her to be and tell her tahts a no and give her something else to do instead of that.

How do I limit her freedoms? do I teach her to sit still and play?

Please can you give some advise?

she has this little fits when I don't give her food fast enough but does not seem to want to learn any sign language, the fit only gets bigger when I want to let her sign.

Thank you.

Plowmanators said...

C-lee, to understand this concept better, be sure to review the label "freedoms" and also "funnel."

You can try blanket time for her to learn boundaries (see the label "blanket time"). Sometimes it is okay for her to move around, other times you will tell her to stay in a confined space. Other times, she can move around but will have certain things off limits to her.

With the fits and food, what I would do is cheefully reply, "oh, would you like some more? Tell Mommy 'more' " Then show her the sign, then take her hands and sign it for her "good girl. Now you may have more."

If the cheeful approach doesn't work, look at her and tell her "you don't throw a fit when you want more. You ask for more. Tell Mommy 'more.'" and show her the sign and then sign it for her, tell her good girl etc. and give her more. This will train her in the right action and will show her what actions give her her desired response.


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