Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Making Children Mind...Random Thoughts

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Here is a list of thoughts I liked from the book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. These are thoughts I thought were important that either already have a post dedicated just to them or are self-explanatory enough they don't need an entire post.
  • Put Marriage First: Leman discusses the importance of putting your marriage first (page 19). This is something I think most if not all -wise parents agree with. Leman recommends having a weekly date night. Ideally, you would be able to leave your house to do this. If not, try to have an evening a week that is your date night even if you are home. Rent a movie, play games, even just talking...but have it a special night for the two of you to spend together. Do it after the children are in bed. For more thoughts on putting marriage first, see the related links below.
  • Tantrums: Leman says to handle tantrums, put your child in isolation (40-41). They are free to have their tantrum, but not free to do it around the family. They must do it alone. Tantrums are done for attention, so once the attention is gone, the tantrum is also. This is what we use time-outs for primarily. If a child cannot control emotions, he or she will be in time out until he or she is done with the fit. Then he or she may return to the family.

    Take note that isolation doesn't need to be the only consequence for the fit. For example, a friend of mine shared with me a story of her 6 year old son and ice cream. Mom made some ice cream sundaes for a Saturday night treat. Her son threw a fit when he saw there were nuts in his ice cream. He didn't want nuts. Once he had calmed down, he nicely asked for an ice cream sandwich instead. My friend shared that had he asked nicely in the first place, she would have been fine with that. But since he threw the fit, he got no dessert.
  • Honesty: Leman states that if you want to get honesty from your children, you need to be honest (pages 44-45). Children learn by example, and for those young years, you are your child's number one example. No one knows more than you. No one is smarter. Umm...at least in your child's eyes. Be honest at the grocery store when you don't get charged for something. Be honest when someone calls--don't pretend you aren't home. Show your children what integrity is. Also, when you are honest with your feelings, Leman says that your children trust you more. Be honest about your faults. Your children will learn that people don't have to be perfect. Be honest about your worries and fears. Your children will see that you have been there; you can understand their feelings.

    I had an opportunity to practice this with Brayden recently. My husband called from work with bad news: he was going to have to work all day Saturday for at least 12 hours. The following Sunday was Easter and we were having family over for dinner and a small celebration of Kaitlyn's birthday. McKenna was barely two weeks old. I was worried. I had planned on having my husband around to help prepare things for the gathering, and now he wouldn't be around. Brayden could tell something was wrong. He asked me repeatedly what was wrong. I told him nothing a few times. He then said, "Mama, what is wrong! Tell me!" So I told him Daddy was going to have to work and I was stressed about getting everything done in time for Kaitlyn's party all by myself. Brayden told me he would help me out. He would help make the cake and get things prepared. It was a sweet gesture. Brayden was much more at ease when he knew the truth from me. Knowing I was stressed didn't stress him out. He did what he could to help out.
  • Manners: Like honesty, Leman states that the best way to instill manners in your children is to be the example (page 135). If you want him to say please, you need to say please. You say please to those around you, including your spouse and your children. He also states that good manners are easiest to instill if you focus on them from a young age. I have discussed this in previous posts, but I have found exemplifying courtesy to be the best teacher. Something I am very good at saying is "Thank You." I thanked Brayden for everything from his earliest days. I thanked those around me. When he started talking, he thanked everyone for everything. Adults were shocked to have 12 month old Brayden thank them for things. It was never something I told him to say. I noticed, however, that he was not good at saying please. After monitoring myself, I noticed I was not good at saying it, either. My tone implied it, but I didn't say the word. I worked hard to get it into my every day vocabulary. Kaitlyn grew up hearing both please and thank you from me, and she is very good at saying both. Brayden still needs to be reminded sometimes. I have seen that teaching by example from a young age is the best way to go when teaching manners.
  • Reprimanding: Leman states that when your child says or does something discourteous, you shouldn't reprimand your child in front of that person. You need to take your child to another room or somewhere private and talk to your child about it there, not while there is an audience (page 136).
  • Belonging: Leman says that parents need to work to ensure their children feel a sense of belonging in the family. He says that your child will belong somewhere. If he doesn't belong with the family, he will belong with a peer-group--but he will belong. Some ideas for helping your child feel like he belongs with the family are to let him have a say in planning family activities and trips, ask their opinions when facing problems in the family, give them work to do at home, and explain reasons for rules (as age appropriate) (pages 161-162).

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8 comments:

sandblocks said...

Hi! We love your blog (thank you) & have followed Babywise since our son was first born. This is my first time posting to your blog. Our son is 9.5 months old, he's been sleeping through the night since he was 10 weeks old (8pm - 7am). The last few weeks he's started waking up between 5:30 - 6:30 am. We let him CIO until at least 6, unless he is really melting down (he crawled out of the crib once when we let him CIO for longer). He takes 2 naps a day usually 1.5 - 2 hours long. He wakes up happy & playful, but gets tired & irratible much earlier in the morning than his morning nap. Do you have any suggestions to adjusting his waketime back to 6:30 - 7:00 am??

Courtney said...

Great post, I love Leman! His books are easy reads that are so applicable. I am reading this after watching the season premiere of Jon and Kate plus 8. I wish they would remember the first thought you shared. My husband and I have a 9 month old (and expecting our second in 5 months), but we already have seen how easily a child can divide you or bring you closer together.

The Traveling Turtle said...

I was given this book as a gift at a baby shower, yet I have not taken time to read it. Sad, but true. I am going to MAKE the time to read it soon though.

I have a question for you more experienced moms (and dads) out there...

when my 15 month old daughter does something that is a "no" (throwing food off her plate, playing with food) we have been popping her hand. Not hard at all, but still a pop. The other day at a group dinner she was playing with her food and I told her it was a "no" and that if she continued to do it, I was going to pop her hand. She continued and I followed through. Well, she hit me back! I was MORTIFIED! I conculded a few things but the most important was that she was doing what she was shown.

When she did something we did not like, she got popped. In turn, when we did something SHE did not like, she hit us. She does it to my MIL as well. We have since stopped popping her hand. We are trying more positive forms of correction instead of always being negative (this is hard since we have been telling her no about the food issues for so long). We are going to start doing timeout and see where that gets us.

Is this a common problem and what do you do to descipline for it? Popping her back doesnt seem like the right answer. Please help.

Plowmanators said...

Sandblocks,

Consider that the sun might be waking him up. The good news is that the sun will be rising later and later each day now :). If it is the sun, try blocking it with curtains, blanket, etc.

Also be aware of the bedtime. If you recently dropped the 3rd nap, you should have moved bedtime earlier. If you didn't do that, then he might be overly tired and therefore waking earlier.

Think back to when he was sleeping well and when he started not sleeping well. Note all of the differences and try to figure it out. Good luck!

Plowmanators said...

Thanks Courtney! I haven't watched that show before, but now know that they are splitting up. So sad.

Plowmanators said...

Traveling Turtle, I don't use any form of popping or spanking for discipline, so I don't have experience for it. I personally think there are always alternatives to it, and my kids are quite well behaved so I know other forms are effective.

Shristi said...

Hi.. I have a question about manners. I definitely want my kids to be well behaved and say their please's and thank you's, but I'm not sure when NOT to say please. For example, if I want my 2 yo son to give me his toothbrush after brushing, I say "Okay, give me your toothbrush please." But does that sound like more of a request than a command? I don't want him to think he's the one calling the shots and that he gets to decide what and when things happen. He's usually good, but sometimes he'll just say "No!" and it makes me wonder if I'm not making it clear that it was an order. Usually if he gets upset then I use a serious voice and don't say please. Is that the right thing to do?

Plowmanators said...

Shirsti,

I think the trick is to phrase it like you are--not "Will you please give me..." but "Give me XYZ please." You saying please isn't causing him to say no. He would say no anyway. You aren't requesting, you are telling in a nice way. I would just reply, "You don't have the freedom to tell Mommy no. Hand me the toothbrush please."

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