When it comes to the age gap between your kids, what is the best spacing? Read all about the two year age gap and four year age gap and see if that is right for you.
I have gotten several questions over the years about my thoughts on spacing between children. Several people have asked for a post on it…so here it is!
The question commonly asked is, what is the best spacing between children?
In reality, you kind of have to figure that out for yourself. What is amazing for one mom might be a nightmare for another.
And the hard thing is you don’t really know for sure until you have done it.
I don’t think there is one right spacing for every family out there. There are so many factors to consider, and a lot of those factors are dependent on your individual personalities as parents. It can also depend on the personalities of the children you have. There are also individual circumstances to consider.
In the end, I think it is best to make this a matter of prayer. But I also think it is right to gain information on a topic so you are well-informed as you approach the Lord in prayer. So, here are my personal thoughts on child spacing.
TWO YEAR SPACING
My children have come a little less than two years apart. Brayden and Kaitlyn are 22 months apart. Kaitlyn and McKenna are 23 months apart. I really like this gap. Here are some reasons:
- Stay in the Groove: I am the type of person who likes to stay in the groove of what I am doing. Having my kids in this age range helps me keep in that groove of taking care of babies.
- Less of a Shock: I think that having my children with this gap provides less of a shock to my system in regards to “freedom.” When you have a baby, you have a lot less freedom. I think for me, going from a 3 or 4 year old then back to baby life would be more challenging mentally than a nearly 2 year old. But I think there are people out there who will do better with more of a break between baby life. It will recharge their batteries.
- Best Friends: I think after viewing Brayden and Kailtyn’s relationship with each other, this is my number one reason I like my children close in age. Brayden and Kaitlyn are best friends. When Kaitlyn was born, Brayden really had no interest in playing with her, which is good because she couldn’t 🙂 He liked to look at her, but he wasn’t wondering when she was going to play with him. As she got older, he would naturally start to play with her. By the time she was one, he was ready for a friend and she was able to be one–in a baby way. Today, at 4.5 and 2.5, they have such a great time together. They are close enough in age to be interested in similar activities and they have so much fun.When McKenna was born, Kaitlyn had great interest in her and wanted to hold her all the time. Brayden was anxious for McKenna to play with them and would often ask, “Will she be ready next week?” As she has grown, they have both come to realize that it takes time. As she gets more interactive and able to crawl, they get more excited.
- Similar Stages: With my children 2 years apart, they are in pretty similar stages. There is obviously a big difference between a 4 year old and 2 year old, but they can do similar activities. When we do learning activities, we can usually do them together with slight modifications as age appropriate. Brayden and Kaitlyn now enjoy similar shows, similar music, and similar activities.
- Life Is Simple: A two year old doesn’t have a lot going on outside the home, so it keeps things simple for the baby at home. There isn’t a lot of running around necessary. A two year old doesn’t have social needs outside the home; the family is enough. Not that having playdates and going to the park every so often is bad, but it isn’t a necessity like with older children.
- Nap for You: You can get naps in much easier with a two year old than with an older child. Older children take shorter naps, if they take them at all. I found opportunity for a nap for me much more consistently with the two year spacing than with a baby and a four year old.
As with all things, there are cons with this spacing. Here are the ones I see:
- Can Be Hard: A two year old is still very much in need of your care. For me, this is good because I am staying in my groove, like I said above. For some, this might make baby life more overwhelming. You do have fewer breaks than you might if the older sibling were older.
- Diapers: You might have two in diapers if you go two years apart. This could be undesirable for some. I actually don’t mind changing diapers (strange, right?), so this really didn’t bother me.
- Leave All At Once: This is many years down the road, but I think it is worthy of consideration. The closer your children are in age, the faster you will suddenly become an empty nester. I do think that will be a challenge.
For 22 or 23 months apart, I felt like this was a big enough gap for my oldest to have some independence but close enough they were still able to be in similar phases of life growing up. I also liked that we just continued on with baby life–we didn’t leave it and then have to jump back into it when the next baby came. I also liked having two napping still.
On the flip side, pregnancy is hard on a body, and having two close together is even harder. I also had a pregnancy in between these two. So I was pregnant forever. I was young enough that it wasn’t a huge toll, but if I had been older, it would have been pretty rough. There are times that your toddler needs you and your baby needs you, but you can only help one of them. This gap also forces the older sibling to grow up faster than would with a larger gap. The two napping was great, but at times it was hard. When you need to time two naps within a few minutes so they will sleep best, it can be stressful.
Pros and Cons from Readers
Here are some thoughts from readers on 2-year-old spacing
24 Months Apart
Pros:
- Naomi said:
1) close enough to play together
2) close enough that 1st was still taking great naps when 2nd came along and both were on the same 1 nap schedule at the same time for close to a year
3) oldest was still in crib (we had a spare)
4) far apart enough that I was able to nurse 1st until 22 months (7 months pregnant)
5) far apart enough that first was gaining some independence and could communicate fairly well
6) sufficient time to get back in shape between babies
Cons:
- Naomi said:
1) 2 yr old remembered nursing and was jealous
2) barely 2 yo still need a lot of work on obedience- felt like I was yelling at her all day long, while I was nursing was the worst! I feel like I didn’t really get to enjoy the joys of a 2 year old
3) potty training was delayed to age 2.5 because I couldn’t handle doing it with a newborn
26 Months
Pros:
- Shannon said: fun to see the older two care for baby brother, don’t feel like all I do is feed babies, not quite as crazy as having them so close together, older two entertain younger two.
Cons:
- Shannon said: The baby thinks he should be able to do all his siblings do, having less freedom now with his morning nap, sleep training with an older (loud) sibling.
27 Months
Pros:
- Naomi said:
1) close enough to play together
2) close enough that 1st was still taking great naps when 2nd came along and both were on the same 1 nap schedule at the same time for close to a year
3) oldest was still in crib (we had a spare)
4) far apart enough that I was able to nurse 1st until 22 months (7 months pregnant)
5) far apart enough that first was gaining some independance and could communicate fairly well
6) sufficient time to get back in shape between babies
7) able to nurse even longer
8) potty trained before baby comes
THREE YEAR SPACING
McKenna to Brinely is 3 years. Okay, let me just tell you, I have found three year spacing to be so very easy!
McKenna was old enough that she could be quite independent. A two year old is still quite dependent on mom for many things, but a three year old can dress herself, go potty independently, get her own shoes on, get herself a drink, and wait for pretty much anything she needs that she can’t get herself.
A three year old also isn’t so sensitive for naps, so it wasn’t so worrisome come afternoon nap time if Brinley was off schedule and McKenna was going to get down for her nap late. The three year old doesn’t nap for much longer after baby is born, which means less time juggling multiple nap schedules.
There are some down sides. With a three year old, you start to get a taste of freedom and then it is all taken back to square one. Also, while you aren’t juggling two napping kids, you have a napping child longer than if you had them closer together.
Despite the drawbacks, I have found the three year spacing to be quite stress-free and enjoyable.
Pros and Cons from Readers
Here are some thoughts from readers on 3-year-old spacing
3 Years
Pros:
- Ashley said: Some things I’m grateful for in this age gap are my oldest can talk pretty clearly, is potty trained, is able to clean up after himself/pick up toys, follows instructions well (most of the time), and is a solidly good sleeper. Bringing a new baby home will shake up some of his consistency for a while, but he has a very strong routine to fall back on. I hope this gives me opportunity to give both of my boys the time they need from me.
said:
Cons:
- Ashley said: Being 3 years apart, there will most likely be an interest rift at moments. At the same point, both being boys, I don’t think this will be a huge deal. I grew up with two cousins, who were brothers to each other, with an almost exact three year age gap. They always got along well. The older was a bit of a role model/trailblazer for the younger. They had similar interests, and they have grown to have a great relationship as young adults. I think their parents worked hard to foster family, and they spent a lot of time together or with their other cousins.
- said:
3 Years, 2 Months
Pros:
- Kristy said: My oldest was potty trained before my youngest was born; sometimes the age difference is a conflict in terms of playing together, but they play with each other A LOT and I think they will be close as they grow into adults. If they had been four years apart, I think they would not have played together as much.
Cons:
- Kristy said: If they were two years apart instead of three, I think they would have been able to attend more events, camps, etc. together rather than being split into different age groups. They won’t share a middle school experience at the same time and they will only share one year in high school together. However, being three years apart works fine now that they are over 6. Most age groupings for activities and events include both of them at this time. We are probably heading for another split when my oldest goes into the tween or teen groups. He is 10 years old now. He just started going to a Tween Book Club at the library, for example, and of course his brother can’t attend that.
3 Years, 4 Months
Pros:
- Valerie said (that’s me): The three year old is so independent at this point. I was able to focus on the baby in a way I never could when the next oldest was not quite two years old. This led to me just enjoying the baby more. I was also able to recover from the last pregnancy before doing it again. Brinley, being the baby, loves being the princess of the family and everyone dotes on her.
Cons:
- Valerie said: Three years doesn’t seem that long, but it is long enough that you are out of diapers and see the light at the end of the nap tunnel, then you are sucked back in. It can be hard to go back there. That could be a pro, though, if you need a break from baby life before jumping back in. Three years thus far has put a different spin on the relationship. McKenna treats Brinley more like a little sister than as a friend. By that I mean, she treats her as little and someone she has to take care of (she absolutely adores Brinley, so I don’t mean she is annoyed with her or anything, just that she is more of a “caretaker” toward Brinley than a friend). My other kids are at 2 year gaps and they have always played as friends, not as caretaker types. There will also be some big gaps in school, which I don’t love.
FOUR YEAR SPACING
Brayden and McKenna are just about four years apart, so here are some pros and cons with this gap. I am taking the two year old in the middle of them out of the equation–pretending that there are just Brayden and McKenna. First, the good.
- More Independent: A four year old can’t do everything for himself, but he can do a lot. He goes to the bathroom by himself. He can get simple food for himself if needed. He puts his clothes on by himself. He can be trusted with things more than a two year old. This can make the overall load of newborn life a little lighter.
- Helper: A four year old can really help with things. You can definitely have a two year old help where she can, but a four year old can help with things well enough that you don’t need to feel the need to go over it when he is in bed. He can sweep, entertain the baby, help with dishes, vacuum…he is old enough to be contributing to helping with things around the house. He is moving out of the practice and learning stage and entering the “wow, that really helped” stage.
cons:
- Different Worlds: There will be years when they will play fine together, but there will also be many they are in very different stages. Brayden will play with McKenna (now 9 months), but it is very different than his play with Kaitlyn. My little sister and I are just two months closer in age than Brayden and Kaitlyn. We had many years as younger children that we played together and had fun, but then something interesting happened. I entered the teenage, “too cool for baby toys” (and everything else) stage while she still wanted to play with them. Then as I was getting over myself, she was getting into the “too cool” teenage stage.
- Long Time: If Brayden was just waiting for McKenna to be old enough to be a real playmate, he would be pretty old before he got it.
- Busier Life: Life with a preschooler is a lot busier than life with a toddler. You need to get out more, and you might have activities like Preschool or sports activities you attend.
FIVE AND SEVEN YEAR SPACING
A five and seven year old are very helpful with a baby. They can be trusted in a lot of situations and love to help mom. I am guessing there might be unique issues that come up with this spacing as Brinley gets older (I forsee a couple of people who will think of themselves as Brinley’s second set of parents…), but we haven’t had problems as of yet.
I also wonder about how things will be for Brinley when she is still waiting to start school and her siblings are all gone all day, and how she will feel when her siblings have all moved out and she is just starting high school.
A unique benefit with this spacing I never thought of ahead of time is the chance to teach them about babies. They have been learning about napping, changing diapers, feeding babies (they both about DIED when I told them about the new guidelines on introducing allergens to infants), dressing babies, baby safety, etc. They love having their baby sister and she just adores them.
LESS THAN TWO YEAR SPACING
My kids that were less than two years apart were close enough to two years I consider it that. Here are thoughts from readers with less than two years spacing and their thoughts.
6 Months: (one was adopted)
Pros:
- Shannon said: same schedule, same interests, great playmates
Cons:
- Shannon said: first year was really hard, emotionally it’s hard to have two babies crying and needing you and not being able to give them both your all. Going out in public with 2 the same age is hard sometimes: 2 tantrums, 2 whiney, 2 not listening etc
12 Months
Pros:
- Joy said: Perks: they play with the same toys now (almost 3 years old and almost 2 years old), they take an afternoon nap at the same time, and they will never remember a time without each other 🙂
Cons:
- Joy said: Cons: nursing and taking care of a newborn was a little tricky with a one year old. I really cracked down on our routine so that there were very few times my one year old was free to roam around (room time, blanket time, naps all helped keep him occupied). I’ve also found myself giving my littlest one more freedoms than I should be, and I have to remind myself that a year difference is still a difference. I need to remember that she is not where my oldest is developmentally and should not be allowed to do some of the same things.
15 Months
Pros:
- Jerusha said: they have the same interests, enjoy the same outside activities and places to go, and can do most things together at home. Also naps and bedtimes, mealtimes are the same, and their daily routine is similar. No dropping off older brothers or sisters or disruptions. Teaching morals and right behaviour is similar and consequences are similar too.
Cons:
- Jerusha said: I have a hard time when pregnant and becoming pregnant so soon after giving birth was tough. My oldest was 7 months when I was pregnant with my second. (However in hindsight I am glad I became pregnant when I did because running after a two year old and pregnant I think would be much worse.
20 Months
Pros:
- Emily said: Similar interests because they are not too far apart; they often play with the same toys; interested in the same events (ie zoo, childrens museum, etc); similar schedules (both still have naps); older one doesn’t remember (or miss) a time without his brother; good for them both to have to share mommy & daddy and learn to play with someone their age
Cons:
- Emily said: two in diapers for a while (unless you train early); two toddlers at the same time which can be tiring!; lots of conflict cause they want the same things and neither has the maturity to walk away from it
How To Decide Spacing Between Kids
Those are some thoughts on spacing I have experience with. In the end, there are good points and bad points to any situation. You can learn to minimize the cons and maximize the pros of whatever spacing you end up with.
I have heard from and know moms with a wide variety of spacing, from 10 months to 10 years (and more). I have heard of moms who love 18 months, moms who love 3 years, moms who love 5 years…
I also remember thinking once Brayden hit about 19/20 months old that a new baby would have been pretty easy at that point. 18 months would have been hard for us because 18 months old was Brayden’s hardest time period behaviorally. It would have been difficult to deal with that and throw a newborn in the mix. But that was just him. Kaitlyn’s hardest month was more like 20/21 months.
In your decision, you might also want to consider how many children you think you might want. I know lots of families who like to do their first two close in age, then take a little break and do the next two close in age. Of course, the number of children you end up having will likely be different than what you initially might plan and hope for.
What is the Best Age Gap Between Kids?
There is no “best.” There are drawbacks and benefits to each spacing dynamic. There are also different preferences and personalities of the parents having the babies. There is also number of children you plan on having to consider. I imagine the age of parents would be a consideration, also.
I often sit and wonder if I were to choose now, do I like two or three year spacing best? I can’t say. Knowing what I know now, I still would definitely have my first two in the two year gap.
I also wouldn’t change Brinley’s gap. I think an ideal situation might be have two close together, then a three year break and two close together. If I had stopped at three, then I think all three close together was ideal.
There is no one best spacing out there. As you are deciding for your family, keep in mind that closer in age will be more stressful for the parents, but the upside is you stay in your baby groove and your children are very close in age and therefore have similar interests and maturity levels.
Further in age can really be a much easier thing to do because your focus is on one baby instead of basically two, but you spend more years total in being tied down to the house (and I actually appreciated that with Brinley–after running around with my older kids for a couple of years I really welcomed the break and the need to stay home more).
As you are thinking about your spacing, think it through, come to a decision, pray about it, and then get ready to either wait on the Lord’s timing or catch up to it :). You might also find you are on the same time schedule and need to get ready to enjoy the ride.
“Perfect” Age Gap Thoughts from Readers
Readers were asked: 4. Knowing what you know now, what do you imagine the perfect age gap might be (if you were able to have it just how you wanted)?
Valerie said: I image a perfect gap to be about 2.5 years. That doesn’t mean I would do things differently, I LOVE my two year gaps. I think that gives mom more time to recover between pregnancies and allows for the older child to be a bit more independent and less needy and sensitive to nap timings while still being close enough to be in similar phases of life together. I do think ideal spacing can be impacted by number of children, also. I love the two year gap, and if we had 3, I would have done it the exact same way. With four, I think a more ideal set up would have been 2 years between the first two and then a 2.5-3 year gap, and the next two at a two year gap between them.I agree with the comment above that close in age children are harder when younger, but a lot of fun as they get older.
Ashley said: I was hoping for a 2.5 year age gap between my kids for no real reason. After getting over the potty training, crib-to-bed transition, figuring out words sessions, and determining acceptable behavior struggles, I am thinking that the three year gap will be exactly what I need. I’m not an infant/baby master. I love toddlers with a little independence. For me, the three year gap is shaping up to be my best scenario smile emoticon
Shannon said: hmmmm- I really like the 6 month gap but I actually think twins would have been even better as far as age gap. Having two kids on the same schedule helps so much!!
Naomi said: I think right around 2 years is great. Further means you can nurse longer. Closer means they will start playing together sooner. Having the older child still taking good naps is wonderful when you have a newborn so I wouldn’t wait longer than 3 years. If they are less than 2 years apart, you should get close to a year or more of both kids taking 1 long nap at the same time, yay!!
Kristy said: I like our spacing (3 years, 2 months). I wouldn’t extend it. I might shorten it by 3-6 months.
Joy said: I love this age gap (12 months). The first year was difficult. The second year has been easier. I wasn’t planning to have near-Irish twins, but I wouldn’t change it. My oldest has learned about sharing and loving someone other than his mommy and daddy at a very young age, and he’s very sweet with her.
Emily said: This is how I wanted it. 🙂 20 Months
Jerusha said: I did not plan for this age gap but looking back it has been a real blesssing for our family having them close together. I would do the same again. (15 Months)
Ashley said: I wouldn’t want to go any more than a three year gap. My husband and sister are four years apart (with her being older), and they don’t have a close relationship now. It doesn’t sound like they had a lot in common, and their parents never “forced” family time. Then again, I really think you can conquer age gap differences if you are intentional about making family identity important. Teach respect, expect respect toward all members. So what if your kids aren’t both into Thomas the Train at the same time? It’s more important that the kids recognize their own importance and each other’s importance to the family.
Shannon said: I love how God built my family- just have to convince my husband that our 10 month old needs a buddy and quick!!
Kristy said: More than spacing, I think the number of children we decided to have affects me. Two is a blessing. It’s nice in a lot of ways and I never have felt completely overwhelmed in terms of raising the children. I always wanted to have more, so I think I’ll always be curious what it would be like.
Emily said: I’ve heard this from other moms with kids “close” together also – it’s tiring now, but I enjoy having them in the same stages together; and also I didn’t want to spread out the baby years so long that we never get out of them. I look forward to someday having more freedoms with all of us together, and not being stuck in the nap/diaper phase for too long.
CONCLUSION
In the end, you can’t see into the future so you don’t know what life will be like. You can take your best guess, but that is all it is, a guess. That is why I think it is best to take this matter to the Lord. Get to know your child(ren), your family, and yourself and decide what you think is best for you all, then pray about it. Good luck with your decision!
Please feel free to share the spacing of your children, along with your favorite things and the hard things.