Wednesday, April 30, 2008

"Mom, not baby, decides..."

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I have had a question on the idea of "mom, not baby, decides...". In an email Anne-Marie Ezzo sent to me a few months ago, she mentioned that idea and pointed out that is true for all parenting philosophies. The mom (or parent or caregiver) is always deciding when the nap will end or start. The philosophies really differ in cues followed and whether or not a schedule is enforced. The mom who gets baby as soon as she makes a peep is deciding when to get the baby up, she has just decided to follow that cue. The mom who lets her newborn sleep 4 straight hours during the daytime, not wanting to wake a sleeping baby, has decided the nap won't end until baby wakes himself up. Mom always decides.

Sure. But what does that phrase mean in the context of Babywise? Well, it means much of the same. But be sure YOU decide and not let the CLOCK decide. I think parents who follow a schedule can easily fall into the trap of becoming slaves to the clock. Always keep in mind that Babywise is Parent Directed Feeding, not clock directed.

This parent directed idea can and should be applied to all ages of your child. YOU decide whether or not your toddler can have some candy, not the presence or absence of a TANTRUM. Getting this "you" deciding practice down early will make future struggles easier for you.

I can understand parents, especially first time parents, wanting some sort of outline and case-by-case scenario that tells them "if X, then Y." Yes, that would make parenting easier. It would be more like raising a tree than a human. Now, the steps to raising a tree do vary by the species of the tree as well as your climate, but at that point you can get pretty solid advice on what to do if X happens to your tree. You can tell a problem you see with your tree, ask your neighbor who has lived there for the last 50 years and he can tell you pretty definitely what to do to fix the problem. He doesn't need to know much more.

Children have environmental factors, just like trees. But they have so much more. They have personalities and tendencies. They have desires and yearnings. And most difficult for the parent, they have agency. They can choose how to act and react! This is a great gift, though many times we wish we could strip our children of their agency. When you add to the mix the parents, things get even more complicated. Parents have personalities and tendencies. They have desires and yearnings. They have agency. Then they have a schema of the world. A parent has been affected by his life experiences: childhood, friendships, schooling, successes, failures, etc.

You can easily see why there can be no "If X, then Y" equation for your children. A book couldn't possibly be long enough to cover it all. My posts on this blog alone cover over 300 single spaced, typed pages so far. Then you have the hundreds of pages of questions/answers. All of that is in addition to what is already written in the Babywise books.

This is why "Mom, not baby, decides..." is such a valuable concept for mom. Mom is smart. Yes, you make mistakes. Yes, you have to learn things, and sometimes the hard way, but you are still smart. You can take in all of the factors. You combine these variables and analyze them. You then work to problem solve.

Let's say baby usually goes down for a nap at 9:30 AM. But then baby starts showing her usual sleep cues at 9:15. What do you do? If you were the "if X then Y" mom, you would for sure keep her up until 9:30. If baby really needed to go down at 9:15, then baby would wake up early from the nap and you would be left looking for the next "Y" to solve the current "X." But this "X" could have been avoided. For the PDF mom, she thinks. Did baby wake up early this morning? Did baby have a rough night? Is baby teething or sick? Did baby go to bed early last night? Did baby miss a nap yesterday? Or simply, was that really the sleep cue? You decide to put her down right away. She sleeps her normal nap length, though she does wake up 15 minutes earlier than usual since she went down early. No big deal. That is better than an hour and 15 minutes earlier.

So mom decides. Mom looks at the variables and decides what to do. She isn't governed by outside forces, but rather cues, knowledge, and experience. Does that mean mom is perfect and gets it right every time? No. We all make mistakes. We misjudge. We then chalk that up to our experience list and move forward.

"Mom, not baby, decides" works well because mom is better able to analyze the situation than baby. Mom has more experience and more intelligence. Mom can see the big picture. Mom has better goals in mind. Toddler doesn't get candy because eating a full, nutritious dinner is important to the health and happiness of Toddler, and dinner is 30 minutes away. Candy can be considered after dinner, perhaps as dessert. Newborn Baby wants to go right to sleep after eating, but mom knows having some waketime will actually help him to nap better and longer. That will ensure he stays on his feeding schedule better. So mom works and works to keep newborn baby up for some playtime. It is exhausting for mom and baby, but mom looks past the moment and toward higher goals in the future. Mom doesn't give in to the tantrum because she knows that will make future tantrums better. She also knows child needs to learn to experience disappointments. Child needs to know that a fit isn't going to get him what he wants. She knows that giving in to the fit now will only make future behavior worse, not only tantrums.

So keep deciding. Of course as your child grows, he earns freedoms. But that is you decided if and when to allow freedoms. It is you watching the use of those freedoms and making sure he really can handle the privilege and opportunity.

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Reader Thank-Yous/Comments:
  • Cameron Clark said...
    Yippie! This should be added to BW book. I think most people that read BW in the medical community take it at face value and love to bash it. If you can use common sense when applying BW techniques, you'll win. Problem is, we're sleep deprived parents with no experience trying to do the best for our baby -- bless our hearts. No one said it would be easy, eh? Mistakes will be made doing anything worth our efforts. We are not perfect and shouldn't read BW as the letter of the law. Right now I'm going to wake up Owen from his nap... Why? Because I know what is best.
    April 30, 2008 2:08 PM
  • Jennifer Brewer said...
    Thanks! Always refreshing to that making the decision as Mom...is the right decision.
    May 1, 2008 7:11 AM
  • Plowmanators said...
    Thanks for all the thanks. I am happy to try to help clarify any confusion that goes along with that theory.
    May 1, 2008 8:53 PM
  • atara said...
    This is so empowering to me as a first time Mom. Thank you! I currently working on getting the first feed of the day at 6:00am, but it's not a deal breaker if it happens 30 minutes before or after.
    November 15, 2008 4:35 AM
    Plowmanators said...
    You are welcome!
    November 22, 2008 7:23 AM
Reader Questions:

4 comments:

jac said...

Hi everyone,
I appreciate this blog so much; where else can I turn with questions like this one: my 6 month old is now mobile and driving everyone crazy. He woke up this morning at 3:30, 4:30, 5:30 and finally 6:15. Usually his wake up time is 6:30, but because as soon as he stirs he wants to roll around his crib, he gets "stuck" and cries. Can I do CIO? Should I install some device in there to keep him locked and loaded?:) We're desperate over here. He's been sleeping his 12 hour nights since 9 weeks, and since 4 months has been SO off the wall trying to do these various tasks during quality SLEEP TIME! Help! We're tired!

Plowmanators said...

Jac,

If he is stuck in his bed, I wouldn't do CIO unless you first go "un-stuck" him. Does he have disrupted naps also? See these posts for guidance:

Nap Disruptions: Rolling, Standing, Crawling, etc: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/01/nap-disruptions-rolling-standing.html

4 month Sleep Problems : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/05/4-month-sleep-problems.html

5-8 Month Sleep Disruptions : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/05/6-month-sleep-disruptions.html

Alison said...

My son will be 8 weeks tomorrow. He is formula fed and this is currently is eating schedule.

8, 11, 2, 5, 8, 11 DF, 4am MOTN Feed

His first 2 cycles are awesome and he naps well. After his 2pm feed he usually goes down at 250 and he is up by 4 or 430 and not sleeping till his desired waketime of 5pm. He has been doing that for over a month now and so I have just been going with it. However this is where our problem starts...I think...Most days I can hold him off till 5 to eat. He gets no waketime as he has usually been up for way to long at that point and is down by 530-540 depending on how long it takes him to eat. He always sleeps till 8 and in fact we have to wake him at 8 every night. We give him his bath and then attempt to feed. At most I can get 2 oz down him-his normal feedings are about 3.5-4 oz. He is just so incredibly sleepy at this time that he passes out it seems after he has had a snack...enough to hold him over. So he is not getting any waketime at this cycle as he just will not wake. We then wake him for his DF at 11 which has been another very sleepy 2 oz feeding at best. So by 4 am he is WIDE awake and has his best feeding of the day which is usually just over 4 oz. I wind up putting him down awake every day about 430-445 depending on how long it takes him to eat and he usually cries for 10-15 minutes or so. So my husband and I were brainstorming last night trying to think of how we can get him to take a full feed at bedtime. It seems to me that my son has made 530pm his bedtime and 4am his morning waketime. Its almost as if 8pm and 11pm are 2 dreamfeeds for him too. Tonight I'm going to try feeding him before his bath, bathing him, and then feeding him after his bath to see if we can get 3 oz down him at a minimum.

My first son always took a short 4th nap but this little guy has decided to do that at his 3rd nap. I'm just not sure how to get him on track so that he will take full feedings when appropriate and get closer to sleeping through the night. He has made 4 am his MOTN feed time for the last 2 1/2 weeks with no progress stretching past that yet. I'm not sure if I should try dropping the DF or if I should try waking him and really trying to stimulate him at 8pm? Should I wake him at 730 and try stimulating him to cut that nap down to 2 hours like the rest of his naps? Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Plowmanators said...

Alison,

I would feed him when he wakes at 4/4:30. Then feed him again at 7 and have him in bed by 8. Then do a dreamfeed between 10-10:30. See how that goes. Good luck!

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