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|This is me walking Brayden with our little Braxston in my tummy|
I didn’t want any sort of medication at all. I didn’t want to block whatever pain would come. I wanted to feel it. I needed to feel it. I needed to have this last physical connection with my son. In the end, it didn’t really hurt much. Or at all. If delivering my stillborn baby at 20 weeks hurt physically, it was greatly masked by the pain I felt emotionally.
It has been ten years. An entire decade. It was ten years ago that we lost this sweet boy. You might think that after ten years it would be something that I rarely thought of…that is incorrect. I think of him throughout each and every day of each and every year. The pain is not as raw as it was ten years ago. But it is Not Less Painful–Just Better At Handling It.
I love this quote I saw online recently:
I love this quote because it is true for me. I love to talk about my baby boy. I want him to be just as natural of a part of my conversation as any of my children. This desire isn’t true for everyone who has lost a child. Not everyone loves talking about it. And that is okay. People are allowed to feel and process experiences differently from each other. We do need to Allow Grief to Be Felt. We can’t pretend it didn’t happen, even if we don’t want to talk about it with every person we meet.
That is an interesting concept I have come to understand over the years–we are all unique. We all process even very similar experiences differently from each other. Even when have had similar experiences, we don’t all feel the same. We don’t all want the same things. We do not know how other people feel. We never know.
The only one who does know is Jesus Christ. Through the power of the Atonement, He knows precisely how each of us feels in any given situation because He lived it. He felt it. He experienced it. And He knows how each of us feels.
When you are hurting, turn to Him. He can succor you. When your friend is hurting, turn to Him. He can help you know how to succor your friend. We will all experience sorrow that we feel will break us. This is part of life. The good news is that Heartbreaking Sorrow Strengthens Us. The bad news is that strengthening time just basically sucks. But again, He can succor us.
Something I hope to accomplish in my life through this experience is helping others in similar situations. Whether that is me directly helping those around me who feel this pain or if it is one of you reading my words and then helping respond the way a friend needs you to respond, I hope to help inspire people to respond in the best way possible for each person. I hope to help ease the pain, even if just a little bit. I hope to bring hope and love to those who have this heartbreak.
Process the pain, and do it in your own way. Pray for help, through the power of the Atonement. Even if you haven’t been a person who prays in life, I promise if you pray for this help through this power, you will have this prayer answered. All you need to do is ask.
- Miscarriage and Stillbirth
- Baby Braxston
- Stillbirth: Still Painful 9 Years Later
- Traditions for Lost Child’s Birthday