How to Teach a Toddler Not to Hit or Throw Things at People

Toddler hitting or throwing things at people — including you? Here’s the exact logical consequence to use, how to spot what’s triggering it, and what to teach instead so it actually stops.

Toddler standing on a chair crying while mom attends to him

There is nothing quite like the moment your sweet toddler winds up and smacks you across the face, or lets a block fly at your head because you told him it was time to put shoes on. It happens fast, it stings (sometimes literally), and it can leave you wondering what on earth you did wrong.

You didn’t do anything wrong. This is an incredibly common toddler stage, and it is very fixable. Let’s talk through why it happens and exactly what to do about it, whether your toddler is hitting a sibling, a friend at the park, or you.

Post Contents

Why Toddlers Hit and Throw at People
The Logical Consequence That Works
When It’s You Getting Hit
What To Do When You’re Out and About
Throwing At a Person Is Different From Throwing To Explore
Find the Trigger So You Can Prevent It
Teach Your Toddler What To Do Instead
Keep Your Own Cool
This Takes Time, and That’s Okay

Why Toddlers Hit and Throw at People

Before you can fix the behavior, it helps to understand where it’s coming from. A toddler who hits or throws something at another person almost always falls into one of these buckets:

He’s tired or hungry and has zero reserves left for self-control. He’s overstimulated, whether that’s from too much noisy play, too many people, or just too much day. He wants something and doesn’t have the words to ask for it yet. Or he’s frustrated with another person, whether that’s a sibling who won’t share or a parent who just said no.

None of these reasons make hitting okay. But knowing the reason matters, because it changes what you do next. A consequence teaches your toddler that hitting isn’t acceptable. Removing the trigger is what actually reduces how often you have to use that consequence in the first place.

The Logical Consequence That Works

When you’re deciding on a consequence for any misbehavior, it helps to ask yourself what was actually being misused.

>>>Read: How to Quickly Think of a Logical Consequence for Kids

When your toddler hits or throws something at a person, what’s being misused is that other person. So the consequence is simple: your toddler loses access to that person for a bit.

In practice, this means immediate isolation. Swoop in right away, let your toddler know calmly and firmly that the behavior isn’t okay, and separate him from whoever he hit. If he hit a sibling or a friend, that means he doesn’t get to keep playing with that child right now. If he threw a toy at his sister, the toy gets taken away and he loses that playmate for the time being too.

The length of the isolation depends on your child’s age. For a young toddler, it might just be until after the next nap. For an older toddler, it could be the rest of the play session or the rest of the day. The exact timing matters far less than the consistency of doing it every single time.

>>>Read: How To Use Time-Out Effectively

You don’t need to yell or lecture for this to land. A calm, matter-of-fact response like, “That’s a no. We don’t hit. You’ll have to sit with me for a bit,” communicates the seriousness without you losing your cool.

>>>Read: How To Handle an Aggressive Toddler

When It’s You Getting Hit

Hitting a sibling or a friend is one thing. Getting hit yourself is a different emotional experience entirely, and a lot of parents freeze up because the usual playmate-based consequence (“you can’t play with him right now”) doesn’t obviously apply when the “him” is you.

The same principle still works. If your toddler hits or swats at you, calmly take his hands, tell him “That is a no, you do not hit,” and place him in isolation, whether that’s a playpen, a designated chair, or sitting on the floor away from you for a minute or two. Use a timer if that helps him understand what ends the isolation, so he learns it’s the timer, not his protesting, that lets him out.

Some toddlers hit a parent specifically because they get a big reaction out of it, even a negative one. If you notice your toddler seems to enjoy the fuss that follows a hit, work on keeping your own response as flat and unemotional as possible. Save your warmth and attention for the moments he’s playing nicely or asking for what he wants with words instead. This doesn’t mean to be mean or cold–just be neutral. That is HARD to do when you were hit. Try to not even have a facial response. Stay as neutral as you can be.

It also helps to teach “gentle” outside of the heat of the moment. When you’re playing together and everything is calm, take his hand, stroke your arm or cheek with it softly, and say, “Gentle.” Practiced enough times when nobody is upset, it becomes something he can reach for instead of a swat when he is upset.

>>>Read: Training in Times of Non-Conflict

What To Do When You’re Out and About

Consequences are easy to apply at home. They get trickier at the park or a playdate, especially if you have another child happily playing who you don’t want to punish for her sibling’s behavior.

Don’t let it slide just because you’re out having fun. If you don’t want to pack up and leave immediately, require your toddler to sit with you, on your lap or on the ground beside you, with no toys and no friends, for a few minutes. If you have another child there who’s behaving well, see if a friend can keep an eye on her while you take the one who hit to sit in the car for a few minutes.

Sometimes the simplest fix is heading home for the day, especially if the hitting happened near naptime anyway. If there are no siblings with you, heading home right away will send a clear message to not hit.

Throwing At a Person Is Different From Throwing To Explore

Worth pointing out: young toddlers throw and drop things constantly as a normal, healthy way of learning cause and effect. That kind of throwing, tossing a ball across the room, dropping food off the high chair to watch it fall, isn’t something to punish. Give your toddler appropriate times and places to get that need for practice out of his system, whether that’s a certain room in the house or a soft ball for outside.

You can teach your child not to throw certain things in certain places. Just because throwing a ball can be normal toddler behavior doesn’t mean you have to let your toddler run around the house throwing balls at breakable objects. You can teach where throwing is okay and where it isn’t. If your toddler doesn’t listen, it is okay to have simple consequences (like we just play with balls outside and not inside).

Throwing something at a person, out of anger or to get a reaction, is a completely different situation, and it gets the same response as hitting: the toy is taken away, and if it was thrown at a sibling or friend, that playtime is over for now too. A young toddler might lose the toy for the rest of that wake window. An older toddler can lose it for a day or several days, long enough to matter, but not so long he forgets why.

>>>Read: Logical Consequences for Throwing Toys

Find the Trigger So You Can Prevent It

Isolation and losing a toy will teach your toddler the behavior isn’t acceptable, but consequences alone rarely make the behavior disappear for good. The second half of the equation is figuring out why it’s happening and removing that trigger where you can.

Watch for patterns. Does it happen mostly when he’s tired? Hungry? After too much stimulation? When he wants something he can’t have or can’t communicate? Keep a mental note, or even a quick written log for a few days, and you’ll usually start to see a pattern emerge.

Once you know the why, you can often prevent the behavior before it starts. If your toddler gets aggressive when he’s tired, don’t schedule playdates or park trips near naptime. If hunger sets him off, offer a snack before he’s around other kids. If he only hits when overwhelmed, keep playtimes shorter and give him breaks.

>>>Read: Discipline Strategy: Think Prevention First

You won’t be able to remove every frustration from your toddler’s life, and that’s fine, since some frustration is part of growing up. What you can do is stack the odds in his favor by keeping him rested and fed and not asking more of him socially than he’s ready for on a given day.

Teach Your Toddler What To Do Instead

Consequences tell your toddler what not to do. He also needs to be taught what to do instead, because “don’t hit” on its own doesn’t give him another option when he’s mad.

Talk with him about it when everyone is calm, not in the heat of the moment. Tell him you understand he was frustrated or mad, but that it’s still not okay to hit, and that hitting hurts people. Give him words to use: “If your brother won’t share, come tell me instead of hitting.” For a toddler who isn’t very verbal yet, a simple sign for “help” or “all done” can go a long way toward heading off frustration-driven hitting.

Resist the urge to make excuses for the behavior, even when you understand exactly why it happened. Saying “he’s just so tired” to the other parent while doing nothing about the hitting teaches your toddler that his actions aren’t really his responsibility (and is probably frustrating the other parents whose children are being hurt). You can absolutely have empathy for the why and still hold the line on the behavior.

Keep Your Own Cool

Whatever you do, don’t lose your temper. You can be firm without yelling, without name-calling, and without acting more upset than the situation calls for. Your toddler will read your tone and your face; a calm, no-nonsense response teaches him you mean business far more effectively than a big emotional reaction does. Do not expect more maturity from your toddler than you can give.

>>>Read: Two Things You Can Do To Avoid Yelling At Your Kids

This Takes Time, and That’s Okay

This isn’t a behavior you’ll solve in a day, or even a few weeks. Stay consistent with the consequence, keep working on prevention, and keep teaching the words and skills he needs instead of hitting or throwing. It really does get better. Hang in there, mama, you’ve got this.

How to Teach a Toddler Not to Hit or Throw Things at People (Including You)