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On Becoming Toddlerwise discusses the difference between a frustration tantrum and a temper tantrum starting on page 139: “A frustration tantrum happens when a child cannot make his body accomplish the task his mind can clearly understand” and “Frustration is the basis of these tantrums, not a defiant angry heart” (page 140).
You child can get these tantrums at a variety of ages. Brayden first started having frustration tantrums before he even turned one. He was constantly trying to do things that his body just wasn’t ready for. Shortly after he turned one, I started using sign language as a means to curb these tantrums (see Controlling the Young Temper ). Now, at age 4, Brayden rarely has these tantrums. If he starts to wind up for one, I quickly stop him and we work through it.
Kaitlyn (26 months) only recently started to have these frustration tantrums consistently. She had them on occasion around 16 months of age, but they were soon over. As she entered the world of a two year old, they have returned. With Brayden, these tantrums escalated due to a lack of ability to communicate. As I presented him with communication tools, they dissipated. When they creep up, I remind him of how to communicate about it and he calms down. I also remind him to keep trying and that things take practice.
With Kaitlyn, these frustration tantrums are not due to a lack of ability to communicate. Not only is she a year older than Brayden was when they started, but she has always been an excellent communicator. When Brayden got frustrated, he wanted help with what he was doing. Kaitlyn doesn’t want help. She is truly just frustrated because things are not happening as she wants them to.
A current example for her is taking her own clothes off. In her mind, she is ready to master that skill. Kaitlyn learns very well just by watching people. She only needs to see or hear something once to have it memorized. There are certain things about undressing that she isn’t catching by watching, however.
This morning, Kaitlyn was getting undressed to take a bath. When she pulled down her pants, she pulled only in the front. I sat back and watched as she tried. When she got frustrated, I asked her if she would like some help. “No, I do it myself,” she replied. So I explained that she was doing a good job of pulling down the front, but with pants, she needed to pull on the back, too. With that knowledge, she gave it a try and was successful.
Frustration tantrums are not exclusive to young children. Adults get them, too. While most are hopefully able to calm ourselves, I am sure we all have our weaknesses. It might be in a hobby like sewing or mechanic work. It is common to get frustrated when what we want to accomplish doesn’t happen as we picture it.
In Controlling the Young Temper , I outline some ideas for helping your child get past the frustration tantrum. Here is a list of ideas that includes those from that post as well as new ideas I have learned as Kaitlyn has had her frustration tantrums–but if you are dealing with this right now, do be sure to also see Controlling the Young Temper.
- Discover the Reason: Is your child upset because he wants help? Is he upset because he isn’t doing it as perfectly as he wants to? Is he upset because he can’t do it at all? Find out reason so you can find out how to best help him work through it. Ask your child. “Are you upset because you want help?” “Are you upset because you are having a hard time?” Your child might be frustrated because the toy is beyond him. If so, remove the toy
- Teach Sign Language: If your child is upset because he can’t communicate, teach him how to sign what he needs to say to work through it. This was a huge help for Brayden with these frustration tantrums at a young age.
- Offer Encouragement: Encourage your child to keep trying. Tell him he is making good progress. Cheer him on.
- Hang Back: You want to give your child tools (sign language for example), but don’t hover. Don’t be the helicopter mom. I often pretend I don’t notice anything is wrong until the child asks me for help. If she starts to display a tantrum, I calmly look at her and explain that she needs to use words, not fits, to communicate with me. With Kaitlyn, her fits aren’t usually directed toward me. Her fits are her own way of expressing her frustration. With Brayden, they were meant to get my attention and help.You want to give your child the opportunity to accomplish the task on his own. When you jump in, it tells him you know he can’t do it. If anyone finds hanging back difficult, it is me! I always want to jump in and rescue, especially with Brayden for some reason. But standing back and allowing your child to do it himself helps him improve. Brayden rarely gets upset these days. I hear him talking to himself, “I have to keep trying. It takes practice. I will get better.” Sometimes he needs to take a breath and try again.
- Require Communication: If you are going to help your child, require that he asks for it in a nice, calm manner first. Don’t teach him that a tantrum gets your attention. You might need to remind him at first that he needs to ask for help in a nice way. He will get there.
- Explain Reality: This works with older children. When Brayden gets frustrated these days at age four, I remind him that things take practice. I tell him he can’t expect to be perfect at things the first time he tries; he is going to have to work at it for a while to get as good as he wants to be.
- Remain Calm and Patient: Losing your temper isn’t going to help your child learn how to control his. Remain calm and patient with him as he works through this stage.
Remember that these things take time and patience. As you work with your child through this, he will improve, but not overnight. You will, however, see the day when he gets frustrated, takes a breath, and tries again. I have even seen it spill over into other situations. One day a boy walked up to Brayden, shoved him, yelled, “get me!” and ran away (the boy was trying to initiate tag). Brayden took a deep breath, turned, and walked away. He sat and stared into the distance for a couple of minutes before returning to play. I was impressed with his ability to remain calm and control himself. It is worth the effort you put into teaching your child to control his young temper.
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