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Parenting The Strong-Willed Child has an entire chapter dedicated to patience. I think that should pull your attention a bit. A book aimed at helping parents deal with difficult children has an entire chapter dedicated to patience–patience on the part of the parent. I think many (if not all) of the statements the authors make about patience and strong-willed children apply equally as well to all children, and all people for that matter.
I know for some people, patience can be a hard thing. My normal disposition is quite chill. I am very patient with my children. So much so that one day I walked outside to tell my barking dog to be quite. I yelled to her to be quite, and my neighbor was shocked to hear me yell. He didn’t know I can yell, and for a minute he was confused because I don’t yell at my kids so he didn’t know what I was yelling about (he must have missed the annoying dog barking at him inceasently 😉 ).
I think that my patience really helps my children behave well. When I was pregnant with McKenna, I had a lot harder time being patient. Behavior was not at its best when I was at my worst. Behavior really does depend so much on the attitude of the parents.
So, let’s talk about some tips for maintaining patience.
Forehand and Long say that strong-willed children respond best to matter-of-fact demeanor (page 179). This means you show no emotion. I don’t mean you never show happiness or love or anything like that. I mean when your child is misbehaving, you don’t raise your voice or get upset or take it personally. You don’t yell, “What is the matter with you? Go to your room right now!”
Matter of fact means you maintain composure. It means you talk in a calm voice and act like it is of little consequence to you. “Since you did X, you will now need to take a time out.” Matter of fact.
The Love and Logic series also stresses this type of response to children when they misbehave. You say things like, “That’s too bad you made that choice. Now you will have to go to time out.” The Baby Whisperer also stresses the importance of patience.
I promise matter-of-fact works. If you don’t believe me, try it for a week and see what happens.
Be The Captain of Your Soul
Forehand and Long state that your child’s behavior doesn’t cause you to be impatient or lose your temper. Come now. We all know this is true. Would you or do you accept this excuse from your child? It isn’t his fault he hit his sister; she just made him so mad.
“The devil made me do it!” No. No one made you do it. You chose to do it. As soon as you accept that fact, you will be on the path to being able to control yourself.
Your child’s behavior doesn’t make you lose patience. Your thoughts about your child’s behavior causes it. So what are some things to realize? Realize what is really appropriate to expect from your child. Realize that no matter how good your child is, he will mess up. Realize he is a child. Don’t expect more from your child than you do from yourself.
Now, I fully agree that there are some physical influences that make it harder or easier for people to maintain patience. My ability to be patient is just in me–it isn’t anything I have had to work for. I am on some medication right now that really has shortened my fuse considerably. One day, Kaitlyn was whining and I just yelled at her “Stop Whining!” She looked at me shocked. I looked at me shocked. It was totally uncalled for. I apologized to her and asked her forgiveness.
I thought about the situation and knew the medication was impacting me. It was so unlike me. But that doesn’t mean that everyone needs to just watch out for me right now because I can’t help it. It means I have to work harder. And I have, and I am able to be more of myself. Sometimes I need to take breaths–but even with some external forces, I am still the master of my soul.
Avoid Absolute Thinking
Absolutes are words like “never” and “always.” Absolutes are always bad. HA! Actually, that isn’t true. You could say, “I will never do absolute thinking.”
Your child isn’t always bad. Your child doesn’t always misbehave. Focus on positive thinking instead of the negative slump absolutes pull you in to.
Young children aren’t out to get you. They aren’t out for revenge. Young children are self-centered. Quite frankly, they don’t really care how it is impacting you. Of course we, as parents, are working to teach them to care. But your 3 year old isn’t thinking, “I am going to really irritate mom right now by whining.”
She is instead thinking, “I really want a cookie and I think if I whine, Mom will give me one.” How it makes you feel is irrelevant to her so long as you give her the cookie. Children behave in order to get something they want or to avoid something they don’t want.
So the point is, don’t take the behavior personally.
Allow Mistakes–From You
When you do lose your patience, recognize that it is undesirable and unfortunate, but human. Don’t make excuses, but know it will happen. Kids are hard sometimes, right? You are human, right? You will be stressed out at the exact moment your child is uncooperative, right? You are likely to lose your cool sometime. You don’t get to say, “Well, I was just really stressed so it wasn’t my fault.” But you also don’t need to sit and beat yourself up about it for the rest of your life. Make amends, learn from it, and move on.
Forehand and long provide many ideas for managing your stress. A stressed-out parent is a less patient parent.
- Identify and remove stressors. There might be things that are stressing you out that you don’t need to deal with right now.
- Take a break or change gears. Maybe you need to get some fresh air. Maybe you need to walk out of the room and count to ten. Maybe you need ice cream :).
- Learn how to relax. What relaxes you? Reading? The sunshine? A bath? A nap? Music? Deep breathing exercises? Figure out how to relax yourself. Find your happy place.
- Learn problem solving strategies. You will be less stressed if you can manage the problems in your life. Problems will arise, so it is best to have tools to figure these things out.
- Get enough rest. Sleep is just as important for you as for your children. You need sleep. This is one reason newborn life is hard when you have other children to care for. With just the newborn, you can go into autopilot, but with children, you don’t get to rest as much and you have to take care of them, which means interaction. You need a consistent bedtime and wake time just like your children. The science of sleep applies to all humans, not just babies.
- Eat a balanced, nutritious diet. I don’t mean diet as in cutting calories or carbs. I mean eating what is right for your body. If you haven’t ever consistently eaten well, you might be amazed at how gross junk food can become and how lethargic it makes your body. You will feel much better if you eat well. This doesn’t mean nothing good–I eat a lot of really good food. It usually is good for you, too. Other that that ice cream.
- Exercise. Okay, who has seen Legally Blond? “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t kill their husbands. They just don’t!” Ha! True. Exercise gives you energy and it is good for your body.
- Develop a Support System. There is nothing wrong with mom taking a break sometimes. Have a trusted babysitter, friend, mom, or husband watch your kids so you can get out. You also will sometimes just need someone to talk to. Call a friend. Call your mom. Jump online to your favorite mom’s group. Have people to turn to when you are feeling stressed.
- Maintain a sense of humor. Laughter is the best medicine, right? Find a way to look at the funny side of things.
These are some ideas on how to maintain patience with your children. Please share any tips you have found useful for maintaining your patience with people!
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